(Camera pans slowly, showing the universe. Stars and planets pass by. The camera rests on a nebulous galaxy. Plunging into milky clouds, a small blue planet is shown. Larger and larger the planet appears until the atmosphere is shown. Then rolling fields of mountains, until the camera completely stops in a grassy valley)

I was born in this planet, in the galaxy you earthlings known as quadrant QH7.

A race of toilet cubicles exists here, not unlike your earth cubicles. Only they are round and less comfortable.

My mother was a kind old cubicle and she loved me dearly. Others... were not so..

And on it went day after day after day. They called me ugly and square and, and, and sometimes even.. Stuck!!

I pleaded my case to the elders but instead of helping me they said i was rebellious and sentenced me to death. My mother cried and held hostage one of the elders while I ran away. The last image i saw was of my poor mother being scrubbed clean by the others.

I traveled the universe for a long, long time. Seeing untold wonders and miracles. But they cannot quench the revenge that is in my heart. One day I will return and clean them all, I whisper to myself every night.

He is shy, that one. He is always in the mountains so i could not get him to use me.

But at last, my chance came when he played the artist formerly known as Topalov.

(Scene shows Kramnik walking into the men's comfort room. The moment he touches the cubicles door, everything turns slow motion. Water from the faucet falls very slowly, almost slowing to a stop. The door silently opens. No sound is heard. Kramnik's face is shown. At first he looks puzzled, then his eyes opens wider and wider. Camera shifts and shows the cubicle. Blinding white light emanates from it. Kramnik' back is visible now. He walks into the cubicle. The doors shuts and movement returns to normal. Water from the faucet falls very fast now. A man is shown entering the main comfort room door. He washes his hands and looks at the mirror. Everything seems normal)

I showed him secrets no mortal has ever known (Kramniks face is shown with the universe behind it). He would have stayed inside me forever, but he needs to return into the world to proclaim my name.

He crushes the artist formerly known as Topalov. But they became suspicious..

"Why is he always going into the restroom", they muttered.

"After coming back from the cubicle, he moved so fast, its not natural", some added.

He stays like that for sometime, his shoulders violently heaving along with his sobs. The camera now goes into ground level to show Topalov's face pressed into the asphalt. His eyes are closed but he opens his tear stained eyes and saw - "A Cigarette!" (Topalov's face blur, and the camera focus on cigarette)

But where is the lighter? He slowly stands up, brushes his shirt, and walks in the direction of the lighter. He finds it in the middle of the grass. He picks it up, but he notices something and stops mid-air.

Whats this? A cubicle? Here? In the middle of nowhere?

• "What the frock, I needed a piss anyway. "

Topalov walks towards the cubicle. Touches its door...

..and everything turns into slow motion..